A Love Note to My Daughter.

If there was ever a time when I needed you, it is now—but, I can’t say it.

I take a big inhalation and push that need into a different part of my day and carry on.

You breathe out and I breathe in your air; given, taken, reused, refused and revived, but you don’t notice.

This is about the ever so slightest separation of time and space between us, and then locating what stands in the middle of our presence: strong, unassuming and real. I ask, “Where is the void, the push and pull and the song?”

We are as far away from the snow melt, and as close as the leaves coming back to the tree to breed new life and you seem untouched by it all; yet that is so wrong, so terribly wrong and untrue. However, it is your gesture of the nonchalant held in your eyes that is deceiving, until I really look at the pools of emotion you try to hide.
It is an odd thing you do…

That smile is so transparent as you try to cover up what stirs you to tears, or drops you to your knees even when you are standing tall. I want to whisper in your ear and tell you it is okay, there is no shame, and you are loved beyond words—but you won’t hear me.

So I lean in, gently touch your brow, move my hand into yours and we sit quietly. No words, no noise, no reason. We are good like that. I am speaking to you in my mind and my heart. Then without hesitation you softly squeeze my uncertainty with the intention of “I understand.”

Pride reigns in your courage, yet holds you in chains. I wish you could see your beauty, your power, and your light. Yet that is just me, needing you to unfold.

This is a bit selfish, and hard; a truth, but I love you more than any sentence structure, more than words—it is just too hard to articulate.

With the nod of the head and a simple sigh, you are not my baby anymore.

We used to say sky and back and now what I can tell is, that the sky is truly not big enough. (dl)

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