FAITHLESS FAITH

When I was at my very lowest, I was simultaneously consumed with a deity I could never understand…

As I look back at my past beliefs and the trust I put in them, they were truly congruent with the worst and most desperate times in my life. I thought God was a Man with all the answers - a savior - and I also thought, he was the only way life would be better.

So, I sent all my thoughts and prayers to this Man but I was constantly disappointed. I begged for answers and received none. I cried for change and change never came. I gave my heart and soul to surrender and my life only moved deeper into the abyss. I felt alone, abandoned, I felt cheated by all the “Almighty” and huge resentment settled into my bones.

No surprise I turned my back on god - but I have to tell you - as soon as I did, “GOD” came to me with vivid recognition. I noticed change, and changed cleared the way to this: I saw my problem was exactly where I had placed the blame, and that I had abandoned my own responsibility. So, when I held it (accountability) in my hand, instead of giving it away life melted.

The image of a man-and-his-religion that I had clung to so tightly… softened. The light was different, sounds became cleaner, and what I thought I knew, completely disappeared. It all returned to the earth as a seed - a seed which sprouted many roots and I could feel this beautiful muse from Rumi

“Don't look for me in Human shape. I am inside your looking.”

At first, it hurt to let my precious ideological visions go, but I was able to set aside the ghost of a god that had let me down, and I found great solace in inner responsibility. Little by little, I released the innocent and ignorant vision. I put aside the masterful-mystic and unaccounted dreams as I got real with my mind, my body, and my soul. I found the memory of “God” pumping through my veins and the oxygen sustaining my breath. I found, I am truly alive…

Soon, most of the unwanted burden and blame was gone, gone to the wind because that is what it (GOD) does. It swirls, it grows; it makes lightning and thunder. It rains, it births, and it dies again and again with the seasons. It flourishes, it recoils, it sings a lullaby to the sun and welcomes all phases of the moon. It makes us warm and cold and all feelings in-between, and everyday God” ages us (you and me) a bit more.

There was deep relief in knowing that I didn’t have to call out to the unknown anymore and I took a deep breath of a crisp day. I admired the delicate edges of a drifting cloud and I felt an energy was surrounding me, holding me, filling my soul. 

Something very big came to the surface of a lavender moment -  the rest of it? It was simply null and void. This moment showed its’ beautiful richness which is: there really is another way. Another way to rally internally and raise the vibration. Another way to change the conversation because what we feel inside is so very personal and I wrote:

Hold vigil in your heart
Rise to clean intentions, clear thoughts, love truly rules
This is far from over
I am free and
on bended knee and wounded soul
I drop the vision that bloodlines are shallow
I feel it
I know it
I have to wake up
There has to be another way….

Learning to understand how we operate, gave me a deeper respect for the deity within. The God/Goddess that was buried in layers of dogma came through, and relief held my hand. It eventually led me to peace and (in my mind) that “peace/piece” is all God. But it is not an easy thing to articulate or really understand because peace is a feeling. How do I explain it?

I had (still have) no words, but to own it? That is different. Owning inner peace is nothing short of magical. Owning what we do gives us strength to look back and know all unanswered prayers were/are (in fact) readily available but… I had drowned them out by expectation (wanting water to turn to wine.)

Once this cracked open, I truly found God in all things natural (as we are.) Not a man in a robe, or a judgmental religion but it is in the wind; in the flowers, a dancing leaf blowing across the field and I knew, I just knew, we are our own saviors. Each moment attached to a god-like burst of confidence helps with kinder, more logical and healthier decisions… it is just cool. If we are lucky, the heart chimes in – if we are smart, we listen.

I am done with “GOD” but I love the god inside my family, my friends, everything nature {except spiders} and the sun, the moon, the stars, etc. I love it all dearly. Now, even when things are lowly; it is completely understood, I have created my God-World and I have to live in, and with it, but I let the rest go to see what stayed.

Debbie lynn

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